I write this the night before we fly out again. This time for court. Garth will come home afterwards and I will stay.
Tonight I tucked my three babies into bed for the last time. The next time I tuck them in there will be four.
There is a bittersweetness to it.
I have held off on sharing this tidbit that I am about to because of guilt, in some aspects, but also because I don't want judgement. I finally decided to share because I think that it is not uncommon and I want others who might be going through this process to know that the following is a dimension of it.
I mean, there is excitement and thrill, no doubt.
But there is also a lot of self doubt.
I never doubted D being a good boy. Never. But I doubted my ability to be a good mother.
Four children. Ay yi yi.
It is exciting and exhausting. And hard. And wonderful.
The night after we said yes to adopting D I just WEPT and WEPT because it was such a heavy feeling.
The power of that one word.
Hoping that it will go well and that my kids at home will be happy. Did we do the right thing?
But then I took a shower (my first hot one in 4 days) and ate and talked with my kids on skype for the first time and I have honestly had peace since then.
I have been covered in pimples since we began this journey. Lol. (I wish it weren't true)
But, still no stretch marks. :)
Thank you so much for your honesty! Our dossier is being submitted on the 18th and now I feel like I have time to think about these things. Our new little one won't just fit into our system, we will have a whole new family way of doing things. And though it is so exciting, it is a little overwhelming as well.
ReplyDeleteSafe travels to you!
Having been through what you are going through, know that you are not alone as far as doubts as we had them, too. Praying for you guys daily.
ReplyDelete