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I received a survey from a friend's daughter who is doing a project about older child adoption. A lot of these questions I have addressed in other blog posts, but this is a consolidated Q and A addressing our experience. This is a brutally honest take on some of the questions that I get and how the situations made me feel.
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Name and age of adopted child/children: Daniel age 8
When they came home: Aug 5, 2013
If siblings, how did they react? Did they get along well? Was there a honeymoon phase? The kids had been very excited about him and were chill with
him for about one day. And then they tolerated him for a couple of months. Now
he is their brother. There really wasn’t a honeymoon phase. What can I say, we
have had four people live with us over the course of the last three years and
my kids are so used to new people that there isn’t anything special about it.
We do it all the time and so it was just someone else coming to stay.
Did you deal with temper tantrums? How did you respond and what worked well? We did have some tantrums. They seemed much worse in
country. At first when he came home and he would fit throw, we would have to
hold him. Now we have progressed to the point where it is very rare. The other
day he was doing it and getting himself worked up. I told him if he didn’t stop
I would squirt him with water to cool him off. He stopped. Also, I understand
that sometimes he is just mad. And that is fine. But he has to be in his room.
What I have discovered through that is that he wants attention more than he
wants to throw a fit and so he might run out of his room and flop on the floor
in front of me. I think that there is an importance in understanding the
motivation of the tantrum.
How did language affect transition? Daniel
is a very talkative boy and so the language stuff has been really frustrating
for him. He speaks a lot of English, but I think his output is greater than his
understanding. I think that initially it was more difficult because instead of
talking about how he should behave, we had to be a lot more physical with him
to make him understand. More holding, etc. Whereas in country our friends would
tell him something in Russian and he would understand and obey. He had no idea
what we were saying or why and that made for some rough times. In reference to
the other people that we have had stay with us, none of them have spoken
English, so we are used to that dynamic in our family. And I can say, eight
weeks is the magic number. Eight weeks rolled around and Russian ceased. We Skype
with church friends in Ukraine and he doesn’t understand much of what they say,
although he still seems to grasp some things via Google translate.
Was food an issue? Initially food
was a very big issue. He would only eat grapes and salami. Now he eats anything
we put in front of him, with the exception of black beans, which he says are
bugs. He, of course, has favorites, but he trusts us now to try other things. I
am glad that I didn’t make too much of an issue about it on the front end.
After about two months we began not offering salami at every meal. At first he
resisted, but after two times of scraping his food into the trash because he
was throwing a fit about it and it was bedtime, he understood that if he wants
to eat, he needs to eat what is in front of him, or he doesn’t eat. Period. I
think that there is such a balance of knowing when it is good to relax and when
it is good to push. That is the wisdom that God gives through this process.
Sleep? Since we have been home he
sleeps very well. Initially, the first week we had him in country, it was AWFUL
to get him to go to sleep. He was so traumatized. Once he fell asleep, we were
fine, but getting him to that point could take hours.
What was the hardest thing in this adjustment period? Feeling guilty about my other kids not getting as much
attention. The vacillation of emotions when the hard comes out; finding out
about past abuse, etc. The entire family dynamic is being shifted. Not just
immediate family but extended as well.
The most beautiful thing? Redemption.
Seeing the hard pay dividends as he gains confidence.
Was it easy to love instantly or did that take time (you
can distinguish between love as a choice and love as a feeling)? I loved Daniel. I always have. But unlike an infant, this
kid has a backstory that I will never fully understand, but I must try. And so
that is work. Sometimes-yucky work. It is a harder love sometimes, but it also
can be more rewarding. I really think, though, that love is always a choice.
Even with my biological children. And there is such a primal response in me
when I understand that I am IT for these kids. I also felt similarly for our two Brazilian boys. They may
have had a mother at home, but I was their mother here and there is a huge
weight of responsibility in that. And also such a gift.
What are issues that you had to deal with right away vs.
waiting for more adjustment? How did you “choose your battles?” The food issue. Biggie. Also, Russian cussing. At first I
was going to come down on it and then realized that I couldn’t be that
consistent so I decided to let him have that
for the time being. Now that he knows English it isn’t an issue because he
knows what we expect. But to deal with that on the front would have been almost
impossible. He would have been having consequences out the wahzoo. Gotta let him
think he has some power when everything else has been stripped away. Really,
the food and the cussing were the only things I let slide because initially
(and still sometimes) he sees grace as a sign of weakness. So we just had days
upon days where it was fight and fight. But now the battles are much easier.
Because he knows that consequences are immutable and that they will be there
every time. So test away, little boy. You will see I mean business.
What were identity-issues that were dealt with? Interestingly enough there were very few. He really made
himself right at home in our family. Like a fish to water. Sometimes he says that he wants his last name to be his birth name and really I can’t blame him; I think Sponseller is a
tricky pronunciation.
Did your child have an understanding of family? How did this affect adjustment? Logically I know that he didn’t know about family. But he
has learned so fast that it is hard to think that he didn’t. I think (and this
may sound weird) but that God hard-wired Daniel to be in a family. I am so
thankful that he has attached so healthily to us and that he knows that we are
the ones to take care of him.
If you could give your top five tips for sanity, what would
they be? Shower. Make-up. Like minded friends. Date
nights with spouse. Snuggling with kiddos.
A story from the first year that warms your heart? There are so many. The other night (Halloween) he was being
a real stinker because he was so geeked about Halloween festivities. I had been
giving him a wide berth because he was wearing me out. I went upstairs and he
ran up to me and gave me a hug. That was the first unsolicited affection from
him and it seemed to open a flood gate.
If you could go back and tell yourself one thing what would
it be? It will be hard. It is hard. But you can do it.
And you are going to love him more than you can imagine. And, oh, by the way,
it is going to be so fun to have a kid that looks like you instead of your
husband.
If you can remember a general time-line of adjustment and
attachment once home, what did that look like? (For example, in the 1st
month we dealt with a lot of grief and mourning coming out through loud
tantrums.) Feel free to be detailed
here, or to go through longer or shorter chunks of time if that makes more
sense. Bullet points are great!
- · The time in country- so hard. Really hellish. I think because there was so much change and we had no idea what that was going to look like, and neither did he.
- · The first three weeks at home was hard, although improvements were already evident. He was going through detox to get off all the junk that they sent him home with.
- · I would say that up to this point he has been becoming. Stretching and learning. Gaining confidence through testing and playing. This has been both scary and exciting for him. He is a totally different child than he was in Ukraine. Because there he was trash. Who was mocked. Here he is beloved. And that has made a big difference.
- · There are times when he is homesick for the children’s home, but that is so normal. I would say that there hasn’t been any overt grieving for people from his past. He does talk about one friend (Sasha) who he hopes will have a home, but he seems content to not see him. Again, it just seems like this kiddo was hardwired for a family.
Q: How much does it cost? (This honestly does not offend me, I always wondered, too).
A: Upon doing our taxes and finally adding everything up, we spent over $35,000. We were told by our facilitator to plan on $27,000. What really "got us" was the time of year that we traveled. Our airfare was ASTRONOMICAL and that is the reason we went $8,000 over budget.
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