Delights.

As I was looking over my last post I realized that I really shortchanged Daniel in telling what a cool kid he is. 

. He makes friends with taxi drivers. Back seat drives like Miss Daisy. 

. He loves my scrambled eggs. 

. He thinks Mr Bean looks like Uncle Forest. Or vice versa.

. He wants to be a soccer player and just learned how to bounce the ball off his head from a boy here at church. 

. He can play soccer for hours on end. 

. He can be bribed to do just about anything with the promise of chips. Sour cream and onion. 

. Last night he helped me make borscht and was very proud of the results. 

. Today at the zoo he loved seeing the monkeys and prided himself on not being scared of them. 

. He is like Pig Pen from Charlie Brown. I have never met a child who attracts dirt like this one. Dirty neck. Dirty ears. Dirty pits. I promise I bathe him!

Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut

This seemingly random title is in reference to the flux that we have been experiencing. (Because sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't).

The first night with Daniel...in a word...I can't write the word to describe the awfulness of it. We arrived on the train at 11:40 pm to Kiev. The trip was good. Trying to get him to sleep...well, it didn't happen. At. All. No lie. I laid down with him envisioning this cuddly bonding time. I started to nod off and WHAM! He flipped. Scared out of his mind. It really is heartbreaking to see a child struggle so much with what others have done to him. Even in the midst of his storm he would occasionally quiet and pet my face and tell me he loved me, and then back to the hurricane. 

By the next night I was very worried about what would happen.  Thank goodness it was better. It really is just that new places are very overwhelming for him. Imagine being eight and spending your entire life in three rooms and a fenced in yard. Then suddenly you are with strangers. On a car. In a train. In a new bed. Not being able to communicate with those new people. 

I was praying over him. Whenever I pray over my children. I always say, "Dear God, thank you for (insert name here)" and then so on... I said, "Dear God, help me to be thankful for Daniel..." and then I heard God's response in my heart, "No one has ever prayed thanksgiving over Daniel." And I was convicted. 

It is hard. Again, the unknown. 

But I cling to what I know, and that is that Daniel has a kind and funny heart. And that even though there might be better mothers in the world, I am Daniel's mother. God gave me to him and him to me. And that God will supply everything that our family needs. 

Highlights: 

Going to get Daniel at the orphanage and having him chuck his clothes, put his new ones on, hug a few friends and book out of there. 

Having Daniel tell me "Good boy, Mama" when I do something nice for him.

Daniel sleeping. I mean, as hard as he fights it, once he succumbs a bomb could go off and it wouldn't make a bit of difference. 

And....Drumroll....

Our passport being ready today! (More details to follow!)

It's a Boy!

Well, it is officially official.

I have a paper saying that in May 2005 I had a baby in Donetsk, Ukraine and we named him Daniel Andrew Sponseller. History has been rewritten. 

When we went to get the birth certificate the woman began insisting that Garth should be here as well, to receive it. And where as I would love it if he were, our adoption budget cannot take that hit because of her unwillingness to look at a POA. Thankfully, our facilitator worked it all out. It is hard to sit in a chair and hear people arguing about you and your case and really have no idea what they are saying with the exception of a few words here and there. I just sat and prayed. 

Daniel (that is his new name) was a champ all though the ten hour long day which mostly consisted of him sitting in a car with a woman from the orphanage, waiting for us to come out of whatever government building we were in. 

The reward at the end of the day was his first restaurant outing, to McDonald's. I ate a McDonald's hamburger for the first time in probably two years. Daniel got a cheeseburger, of which he ate half and then offered the rest to me (which was so sweet, but I turned down). I see him many times wanting to share with others. Very sweet hearted. 

He did, however, polish off the fries or "sticks."

And now a tribute to my sweet little girl who is turning seven tomorrow. We had her birthday the Monday before I left and she was super excited to get to turn seven early, but this mama is missing her big time on the real day. Claire Marie Rose is my little insect loving, stray dog saving, mama snuggling fairy girl and I am so proud to call her mine. She has been one of the biggest supporters of our journey as a family, sacrificing her tooth fairy money and any spare change she can find to the "adoption box." She has considered growing up to be a veterinarian, a pet store owner, a beautician or working at A Tal da Pizza in São Paulo Brazil. Her one request for her birthday (besides "real glass slippers") was a ukulele. 

Mommy loves you, Bear!

Today, I am.

Hello!

I thought that being in Ukraine would be a big adventure. It would be German-looking me on some Euro backpacking adventure. Brave and cheerful and curious. 

And it totally is a big adventure. Just not in the way I expected. 

Today when I was walking down the normally dusty (which I complained about viciously in my head) street to the orphanage which is now a giant mud hole, I had a moment of clarity. I could hear my yoga teacher's voice in my head. 

And suddenly I could just BE in the moment. 

Mud and all. 

The breeze swirling around me. The sound of the leaves blowing together. The feel of my flip flops. The smell of apricots. The itch of mosquito bites. The excitement of getting the good bus. The people who I see who have similar features to my son. 

And I knew in an instant that none of us are at home. You might be sitting in your favorite chair at the table, or lying in your memory foam bed (can you tell I am missing mine right now?) or half way around the world from your address. But either way, we are not home. 

We are all travelers. Going through life. Getting derailed sometimes. Going off road. But aren't those the times you find the surprises? The great restaurant? The lovely garden? The interesting barn?

A sunflower field in full bloom. 

Sometimes when you get off the beaten path, you end up exactly where you should be. 

What is going on...(I don't know, either)

I am worn.

Our judge is being a jerk and not giving us the papers until the last minute (we were supposed to have them yesterday or the day before, but still no sign) and the passport malarkey is still up in the air and so I have no idea of WHEN about anything and I don't like that.

And tonight at church we were singing and I just got a huge rush of homesickness for Camp Indogan (which I normally help at this week and my kids are there) and church. And my family.

If I knew definitively when things were happening I would feel better because an end would be in sight but as of right now I have zero idea when I will be home and see my family. Some people have been stuck here for weeks extra. And are still waiting.

And I keep losing weight.

Probably stress. I mean, I really love so much here, but I think that this is probably the HARDEST thing I have ever done.

(Doesn't that sound like Alexander and the Horrible No Good Very Bad Day?!)

Enough of that!

I am working everyday to find something to be thankful for and there are so many things. Today
Daniel kissed me on the mouth. Normally he has always kissed my cheek but today he took my face in his hands and planted one on me.

And I LOVE the church here. I am going to forever miss them when we leave. It is very small, 30 or so, but it is so alive and people are so responsive to the gospel. Tonight the preacher told of the first
Bible he saw and how special it was. The stories of salvation and God moving make me want to weep. How much we have come to take for granted. Bibles being thrown on the floor or sold at a garage sale. Us replacing one so that we can have one that coordinates with our shoes.

The first Bible that he saw cost 60 Russian Rubles and was purchased by a woman who's monthly salary was 100 Rubles. Many people would gather at the woman's house to read the Bible and look at it.

The church meets Sunday, Wednesday and Friday. And they are each others life and support. And I see how many excuses we make to miss Sunday. How full our American lives become when we allow things beside God to take center stage. The church here is actively involved in orphan ministry. Like every week going and teaching orphans. And meeting three different days. These people are a family. They do not call each other brother and sister for show, they are truly doing life together, without the trendy terms.

One of the young women at church took this week off to spend with us and has fed us nearly every day this week. I wonder if I would be so kind to a visitor. I think, before this experience, I might have said that I am too busy. These people have touched both Forest and I very deeply.

True Confessions

I write this the night before we fly out again. This time for court. Garth will come home afterwards and I will stay.

Tonight I tucked my three babies into bed for the last time. The next time I tuck them in there will be four.

There is a bittersweetness to it.

I have held off on sharing this tidbit that I am about to because of guilt, in some aspects, but also because I don't want judgement. I finally decided to share because I think that it is not uncommon and I want others who might be going through this process to know that the following is a dimension of it.

I mean, there is excitement and thrill, no doubt.

But there is also a lot of self doubt.

I never doubted D being a good boy. Never. But I doubted my ability to be a good mother.

Four children. Ay yi yi.

It is exciting and exhausting. And hard. And wonderful. 

The night after we said yes to adopting D I just WEPT and WEPT because it was such a heavy feeling. 

The power of that one word. 

Hoping that it will go well and that my kids at home will be happy. Did we do the right thing?

But then I took a shower (my first hot one in 4 days) and ate and talked with my kids on skype for the first time and I have honestly had peace since then. 

I have been covered in pimples since we began this journey. Lol. (I wish it weren't true)

But, still no stretch marks.  :) 

Thankful

One of the comments that we get when it comes to adopting is related to "how great" our present family is and how it would be sad to "ruin" it. 

I was mulling this over when the verse, "What LOVE the Father has lavished upon us that we should be called His children" came to me. I am not sure of the reference but it struck me that I am glad God wasn't worried about ruining His perfect dynamic.