Maybe "worn" is too gentle a word.
Exhausted. Done.
Like a rented mule.
I am learning in this process that "easy" is like an ebb and flow. Right now it seems that we are stuck in an "ebb" time.
I hate posting blogs like this, because, inevitably, I get many responses relating to support groups, mental diagnoses and the like. And what I really want more than anything is for Jesus to support me. For Daddy God to sustain me. Not a group that rehashes the yuck.
And being the competitive person that I am, I often just try to figure out how we are in comparison to others. Comfort that is found by seeing others worse off is poor comfort. False comfort. Certainly not the comfort that God gives. My challenge in this moment is to lean on the knowledge that God's assurances are not contingent on anyone else being better or worse off than me.
Comfort is letting go. Of the frustration when it seems like others are undoing work that I have spent months at. Of the resentment that wells in my heart like the hot tears in my eyes. Of the worry that weighs my heart and pries my focus from my Focal Point.
You see, Dear Readers, as time goes on, the definition of a "good day" morphs and expectations are raised, but you still have a child that is experiencing firsts and checking boundaries. It is just that everyone else is just an eensy bit less tolerant. After all, he has been here almost 10 months. Ten months. Ah...perspective.
Summer school is coming and with it yet more changes. He needs it so badly and was excited about it until his partner in crime/brother started boo-hooing that he couldn't make it through the summer without his brother there. Every moment. So now it has turned into something negative. Something that I am already receiving resistance and veiled threats to be naughty during. Driving to the school he goes to now is three minutes. And a pain in the neck. Driving out to summer school is 35. Meh.
I am praying that since summer school is a Special Education program that they will have more tools in the tool box to deal with this situation.
And as for rest?
Ha.
That is what coffee is for.
Strike that.
That is what espresso is for.
