Sometimes I Want to Whine.

I am not going to give into that, though.

Tonight was parent/teacher conferences.

<voice of Olaf> "All good things. All good things."

But sometimes I am just SO TIRED OF IT ALL.

(Here comes the whine….)

Sometimes I just want to know how it is going to turn out. (And that it will turn out ok.)

So, maybe what I really want is for some expert to say, "It is going to be ok, Crystal." And let's face it…not just "ok" I want to know that it will be great.

I. Want. To. Know.

And it is times like this that I can almost physically HEAR God telling me to look at Him. He isn't placating me with empty promises and trite phrases. His Spirit is simply telling me to look to Him.

That maybe, through looking at Him, instead of the homework pages and assessments, I can see who He is. And by seeing who He is, know that He has it all under His control and that everything that will happen will be ever for His glory.

But, if any of you want to chime in and tell me that it will be ok, I wouldn't mind that a bit.

Remember

Thirteen years ago.

I was driving to my first day of training for my new job in my orange 1979 Mercedes with the sunroof open. Listening to Oldies 101.7.

A glorious day.

Clear blue sky. The likes of which only comes after summer finally begins to relinquish its grasp and fall starts to cut in on the dance.

Delicious and crisp.

An announcement cuts in. A plane hit a building in New York.

Ooh. That's too bad. It must have been an accident.

Not even a blip on my radar of what was to come as I zipped down the road, a happy newlywed, on my way to a new job.

Then there was another announcement.

Another plane hit.

Oh Jesus.

I still can't fully grasp it.

I get to the training center and everyone is huddled in the break room. Glued to the 19" Panasonic.

Images like this assail my brain as I tried to reconcile the world of the day before to the world I was seeing play out in front of me.

I could go on and on. I could describe that day in perfect detail. How I thought the world was ending. How I watched the news coverage until I could watch no more. How the only thing, besides coverage, was on TV Land and it was the Brady Bunch (where the girls are grown up and sharing a house). How Garth was working late. How I sat on our garage-sale couch, practically catatonic.

And really, we all have those stories. That day brought us all to our knees. Drew us all closer to those we loved. 

We all said we wouldn't forget. And we haven't.

But life has a way of going on. It can seem callous that we can move past the tragedies that are as surely a part of life as is living it.

Yet, there is a beauty in the forgetting. A beauty in the meal after a funeral. A beauty in the new lives that are born into the world that don't even know of the tragedy, except for the stories.

Because all of those things offer the proof that life goes on.

Life goes on and you can't remember so much what it was like before, because all of those hurts remade us a bit, and we walk on. And we smile again. And we laugh. And we have new hurts that we don't think we can get through, but we do. And we remember. 

Down through the ages. Thousands of years. The groaning of the Israelites for their deliverance from Egypt. The crying out of those who trust in YAHWEH, calling out for deliverance, even now. The wailing of those who don't even know who they are summoning. "Come." Over and over. Thousands of times. Ten thousands of voices.  Millions of reasons. "Come. Save." The words encapsulating all the pain and questioning and hope in the midst of it. "Come. Save. Deliver." 

We were made for so much more than the most beautiful, perfect thing that this world has to offer, it is no wonder that our souls shy away from the pain.

Heavy Stuff

Last night Daniel told me another Secret.

Secrets are how I have come to refer to the awful stories of his past.

I know that I have made posts about this sort of subject before, but it floors me every time.

I mean, look at Daniel…

You would never know. 

The memories that camp out in his brain. The awful, despicable treatment he received at the hands of "caretakers." 

I am talking "A Child Called It" kind of stuff.

I have, personally, never felt too much anger or contempt for the people who were in his life prior to us showing up, but after last night's story… Ugh. Help me, Jesus.

But then I remember that Jesus was angry too. Righteous anger. And so maybe my anger isn't wrong. 

I sat on my bed last night. Trying. Trying to let go of the emotions that Daniel's tale had evoked.

Thoughts of "If only…" plagued my mind. But I believe and know that we got Daniel in God's time. 

Why God???? 

I don't really have a tidy way to wrap this post up, as I set here with tears running down my cheeks.

I think of all the people who KNEW what was going on. I think of all the family that didn't step forward to care for him. I don't know any of them, but a child isn't born in a vacuum. Even if a mom can't care for him.

How do you teach a child worth? We try day by day. And he fits in so well. But he will always know that he was systematically neglected, abused. And I don't have a beautiful thing to say to bring closure and explanation for that. Because it is sin. Sin in its darkest, tarriest, most demon-filled form.

And why does he tell me? What stops him from sharing with Garth? 

I am glad that he can share. And I never want to shut him down. And I suppose there is a dubious honor to being the Keeper.

People, I have heard two Secrets this summer (since June) and both have WRECKED me. And to know that my baby has those and more to share. If just one of these things had happened to me it would have been the worst event in my life. 

That is all.

Happenings

School began in Sponseller-land on the 18th of August.

Daniel is now at the same school as his siblings which has, so far, proven to be a much better fit for our family.

Some of the strategies that we have incorporated this year (for those who are wondering) are:

• Garth is down as the point of contact for naughty behavior. I got called way too much over way too piddley of things last year and it about gave me a breakdown. And it was totally my own fault that I let it happen. Because I was so worried about having a perfect child that I was trying, by the force of my will, to make it happen. Garth has a better perspective on the minutia than I do. Things that leave me wiped out often just make him laugh.
• I will not go into his class to help him behave. Daniel is fully aware of what is expected of him. He quickly grasped the fact, last year, that if he was rotten, I would be called, I would come in and that is what he wanted: mama. This year I told his teacher that my presence in the class should be a reward rather than a "punishment." So now he is working towards me coming in to help rather than a trinket or toy. I think it is a much healthier bribe.
• I have contacts on the inside. Grace, Claire and Wyatt are there to help Daniel make good choices and rat him out when he doesn't. For example, he was taking forever to eat in the cafeteria. I was not aware of the problem and I think that the teacher didn't realize that he was intentionally lollygagging. Claire snitched on him and so we told him that he couldn't eat breakfast at school unless he got to class on time. (He eats breakfast at home either way about it, he is not deprived.) I spoke with the teacher and she told me that he had suddenly began getting to class on time. After a week and a half of not.

We have come a long way, baby!

This is a one year to the day difference. So much more centered.

This is an "after school" shot.

Hope things are going well for all of you!

An Open Letter To The Me Of One Year Ago

Dear Crystal of August 2013 (and parents in the thick of it everywhere),

You look like... um, well we won't go there, Sweetie. Go take a shower after you are done reading this.

I know things are really hard right now. I know you are more tired than you have ever been in your entire life. I know all those negative things that people told you would happen, seem like they are happening. And all of that makes you want to crawl into a hole.

I know this may seem unbelievable, but it will get better. It may sound trite, but it is truth.

And the "getting better" will be more than just "getting used to it."

I know you feel like you can't go anywhere because everyone will stare and judge. Here is a secret, one that it has taken me until just about now to understand: the way you worry about things and apologize for everything makes people look and judge that much more. People do not care about you and your crazy kids nearly as much as you think they do. And if you feel judged because, in the past, you have judged others, well sister, that is called karma.

Let it go.

Look around you! I know it seems like everyone else has it together. They don't. I promise. And there is someone, somewhere, who thinks you have it all together, too, and we all know that is a laugh.

Give yourself grace. God has. Why are you withholding something from yourself that God has freely poured out? Don't be stingy with yourself.

I know there is all sorts of "wretched me" rhetoric. Don't buy it. You have been fearfully and wonderfully made. The spark of the Divine is in YOU! Just as it is in the Tasmanian devil of a kid you brought home with you. And in the mother who gives you the stink-eye at the zoo because your kid splashed her kid. And while we are at it, I suppose it is in those terrors at church who beat your kid up. 

Capisci?

You are great at doing things and in your self-supposed aptitude you have taken God off the throne. You feel like He is not efficient enough for you. Not sufficient enough for you.

A friend will point this out to you, and you will struggle to figure out how to let God take control. Trust me. You are over-thinking this. It is ridiculously simple: Stop. Stop feeling like the earth is crashing down when things don't go according to your plan. Stop taking responsibility for other people's actions. You can only facilitate so much. You can only teach so much. Ultimately your kids will have to show what they are made of. (And a kid with a helicopter parent is often disliked on principle).

You can't fix everything. You can try. You will try. And some of it will stick. Celebrate what sticks. And stop bashing your head against the wall when it doesn't.

Drink more water. 

Do more yoga. Learning to meditate and commune with God despite the noise is a holy, powerful skill that will bring you more peace than having everything perfectly quiet.

You will grow. You will become more beautiful. More special. More strong. More fabulous. 

More fierce.

You will learn to be shaped instead of broken.

Now, I know I told you to take a shower, but before you do that, jump up and down a few times. Get the blood flowing. Turn on the keurig so it is ready to go once you are done in the bathroom.

Breathe.

One Year Today!

Enjoy, Dear Readers! Thanks for sticking with us. And for your love and prayers.

I Am Only One

“I am only one. 

But still, I am one. 

I cannot do everything, 

but still I can do something. 

And because I cannot do everything, 

I will not refuse to do something that I can do.” 

― Edward Everett

In February I wrote a post about a great book that I read called "Infinitely More" by Alex Krutov. What I didn't talk about on here was "the rest of the story." 

I absolutely loved, loved, loved the book. It was incredibly moving. 

I come across as being a rather impulsive person, but I kind of like to think of it as just being receptive to go where the Spirit leads. At the drop of a hat.

I found Alex on Facebook and invited him to stay with us. At our house. (Hey, what's another?!)

He agreed.

(I didn't talk a lot about it because people think I am crazy. For example, we have two people living here right now who literally came to our door selling something and I offered them a room. Yep. I told my sister and she thought I was joking. Nope.)

So, in May, Alex came.

Have you ever met someone that your soul knew? That is how I felt about Alex. Like we understood each other beyond words. I think part of the feeling was a result of Alex's uncanny ability to connect with people, but I think a larger part is the fact we had a divine appointment to be friends.

Alex's story is amazing. 

Thrown away at just a few days old. 

Grew up in the Russian state system and on the streets. 

Threw away opportunities. 

But all the while God was writing His name on Alex's heart, just as surely as Alex's name was written on His hand. Preparing Alex to be His. To hear His call.

One of the big calls on Alex's life was to start The Harbor. 

The Harbor is a program/ministry that Russian orphans can participate in once they have been emancipated from the state system. The Harbor places orphans in residential family-style communities, gives them an education, and teaches them skills necessary to maintain a home and thrive in Russian society.

To help maintain and support the ministry of The Harbor, Alex travels back and forth. Three months in the U.S., then three months in Saint Petersburg, Russia. Back and forth. He runs himself into the ground. Giving and giving. Cooking. Preaching. Consulting. Counseling. Loving. Playing. Praying. Challenging.

This list is making me tired. But that IS HIS LIFE. He spends his own dime to do all of this.

And I think that when people meet him they can't help but feel like he is so good at what he does and The Harbor is reaching so many people, that any help that they can give is rather insignificant in the scheme of things.

Wrong.

See, the thing is, Alex doesn't like to ask for money. He likes to give more than receive any day of the week. He trusts the Holy Spirit to lead people to give. And often many people have the best of intentions, but life gets in the way. Churches need new roofs and so The Harbor support gets cut. Or any number of reasons. Lots of them really legitimate, but it hurts the bottom line.

I asked him specifically what the need for The Harbor was and why. Here was his response:

Dear Crystal. It was good to talk to you the other day. Our current monthly deficit is around $3,000 so that means that every month we are forced to dip into our rainy day fund thus it gets constantly depleted. If our situation does not improve then we will face some major challenges. Thank you so much for willing to spread the word. Here is what we need in order to close the deficit. If we could find 60 families at $50 per month or 30 families at $100 per month for 2 years commitment. The deficit has always existed and at the end of the year it has always balanced out. Yes, the growth of the Harbor has definitely in the play here also. Yes, some shifting the Harbor to another organization, but most of it is actually due to financial struggles that people have and simply stop supporting us without even telling us. Once again thank you so much for willing to help us out. This is a huge help. Blessings.

I can only think that people don't realize what the situation is. They see all the successes and don't understand that they can help propel things. I am very honored to be a part, even though it is small, of the mission at The Harbor. I am proud to stand with my friend and brother in Christ who is living out God's will for his life in this moment, serving in St. Petersburg.

$100 a month is fabulous. $50 is great. Any amount is a blessing. Any amount that you can give makes a difference and helps whittle down the deficit. You can choose to make a one time gift, or give monthly (monthly is the best!!!!). Just make sure when you sign up that you check the monthly box. (I almost missed it!)

Please prayerfully consider making a difference in countless lives by supporting The Harbor.

And share this post like crazy!